


Not Enough.

by Toto93



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cole's thoughts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heartbreak, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 13:57:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3328886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toto93/pseuds/Toto93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cole's internal monologue and his thoughts on his shining Inquisitor's romance with Solas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You love him.

It's too easy to hear.

But we all know he's holding back, you can't figure out what... or why... but I can see it. I see it in your tight smiles and frantic breathing. The dark in your mind when he pushes away from you. It hurts but you distract yourself. So many people, hurting, needing you, and you help them. All of them. I try to help you, but you always remember and that makes it harder.

You devour his praise, his approving smiles. It's too much. It hurts.

How can I help? Do I tell you? No, because he is hurting too and he is my friend. He is my friend and that hurts me, sends pins to my chest when I watch you.

The sun catches your hair, you're bathed in light, you smile, he shakes his head and laughs. He pulls you close, whispers a language I don't understand. You blush.

**It hurts.**

He wants to be alone with you, I follow, unseen. A small grove, dappled moonlight. Your breath pulls out of you. Beautiful. I feel it, your love, and it scares me. Because it's as strong as mine, but not for me.

You talk, I watch, can't hear... just see.

Your eyes close as he casts a spell, the ink that once curled around your face, it fades. You're scared, I'm scared too. You trust him.

But then, it changes. His face tenses, yours crumples.

No, no... no no no...

He can't do this.

 _I love you_... your words, crash in to me, but not for me. For him. He listens, it hurts him too, but he still leaves.

He walks away. You kneel, grasping at dirt. Humiliated, heartbroken, face bare and no home to return to. You cry. I cry too. You don't see me, I kneel beside you. I hate him too, take it all from you. He was supposed to change his mind. To stay with you. To love you.

Your eyes, no longer bright, cast down. Hurting, twisting, biting, clawing. Can't sleep, so I stay, you need me, but you don't see.

I stroke your hair, it calms you, do you see me? Feel me? I'm here, he's not. He owns your heart, but I would care for it, hold it gently, nuture it until it's healed. You want him... but you need me.

He says you'd talk about it after, now is not the time.

It's cruel, he lies, I know.

You find me, whispering to spiders in a dusty cupboard.

"Cole."

My name, your voice. Too much. I reach out to you, comfort, love, feel it... feel it! You shrink in my arms. Warm, tired, sweet, lovely... his... not mine. Arms tighten, you cry, I cry too. Your hair tickles my nose, chest tight, knees weak.

**Too much.**

You are strong, you fight your feelings, hiding them in a box. You fight and fight, keep going, be strong. I stay close. It's easier when the suns up.

At night, the box opens, you sob... I hold you, tight so you can't fall apart. I won't say it, but I hope you know. I stay all night, whisper, stroke, calm. You fall asleep, exhausted.

The fight ends, you won, but he leaves. You don't know why, you blame yourself, afraid he tricked you. He did... but he loved you... and you love him still.

"Cole."

Solas.

"You care about her, ma vhenan. Heal her, I won't come back... I'm sorry..."

Anger, rage, hate. He knew, he saw, I would be better. But he carried on, and that hurt you.

You wait, think he'll come back. He won't. I'm here, I hold you, press my lips to your hair. You smile, it's gentle, but it's not the same. You don't feel it.

It's not enough.


	2. Chapter 2

One year, I stayed, I watched, helped, healed, held.

Your eyes, still distant, search for him. I thought it would be enough. To be close, to hold you together, to make you smile.

But it isn't.

You wait, you don't give up, keep searching. Dead ends, trails gone stale.

More, more.

I need to leave.

I can't watch anymore, I tell you. Your eyes flicker, fill up, spill over. Salty tears, for me this time, I feel worse. Swirling stomach, twitching fingers, want to hug you, take it back.

But I won't.

I tell you.

Love.

You freeze, wide eyes, you believe me. You stop looking, instead you see. You see me, know I feel. I hope, you shake your head.

Him.

I leave, tell you I won't come back. You cling to me, tell me you need me, it's cruel. It hurts. But staying hurts more. You call me a liar, it stings. I grip your arms, pull you close. Pore my feelings in to you, lips touch, you gasp. Eyes heavy, panting. I kiss you. Arms trembling, breath catching, you let me. I see everything, sparks too bright, your closed eyes, perfect... but not... I pull away, pink cheeks, dark eyes. You don't see me, he has all of you still.

I let go, turn, running, crying, it hurts, I feel sick, I'm scared...

"Cole!"

You scream. I push it away, keep running, don't stop, never stop. Chest burning, legs aching. I lie down, I scream too. Everything leaves, darkness surrounds. Too far, can't hear you.

I need to find him.

I search, travel so far, for you, for him. For me.

Why is it that no matter how far I go I still hear your voice? Not your true voice, the voice I left behind. The scream of my name, like you cared, like you needed me?

I find him, alone, wandering, lost.

"You knew, you saw!" I yell.

He nods.

"I knew you loved her, yes."

He knew...

"You'd heal her, she'd forget me, is she...?"

I refuse to answer, he doesn't deserve it. Your smiles, your tears, the last year... they're mine.

**Mine.**

His jaw crunches under my fist, I feel better, he doesn't fight back. I hit again, I yell, scratch at his face. His expression unchanged, his eyes sad, lonely.

Falling to my knees, I sob, he pats my shoulder, it should make me feel better, it doesn't.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"Me too..."

I failed, regret, anger, betrayal, he won't come back... and your eyes won't shine anymore. But neither will his.

Where do I go, no place for me, Solas tells me to go back to you. How could I, he says you need me. Unfair, cruel... but I go, I walk back. It takes months. I don't stop, never stop. The closer I get the warmer I feel. Stomach twisting, to see your face again, to hear your laugh, to feel your warmth... soon... too soon... too warm... afraid.

Skyhold, huge, people stare, remember me, I hurry. Knock on your door, no answer. Hands sweating, head spinning, knees shaking, I push. The door shrieks, it's dark, the drapes are drawn, you're lead by the fire. You push yourself up, see me... rub tired eyes, don't believe it.

A dream.

I kneel next to you, tired, sore. Timid fingers stroke my cheek, caress my hair.

"Cole."

It's quiet, heart thundering, you realise.

My cheek stings and reddens, your arm raised.

"You left!"

I nod, ashamed.

"You found him..."

I weep.

"He's not coming back."

I shake my head.

You pull me close, thin arms around my waist.

"It's okay."

My heart crumbles, I cling to you, sobbing. You comfort me, soft whispers I can't catch suffocate me. Delicate, you treat me like I'm broken, when you're the one I need to fix. Soon.

I love you.

You're healing, I am helping, you will forget him, I'll never leave, you'll remember me.

One day your eyes will be bright, too bright like the sun, and they will be for me and I will never leave.

 


End file.
